Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
