Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
