Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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