Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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