girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
