Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
