Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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