I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
