I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
