I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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