If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
