I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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