I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
