does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
