I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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