So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
