Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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