Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
