so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
