Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
