this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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