I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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