my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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