I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
