I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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