You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
