You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
