I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
