stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
