I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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