Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
