I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
