She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
