I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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