There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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