I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
