when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
