Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
