Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
