My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
