I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
