I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
lets start a swedish sibling band together
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
