I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
we're so committed to being not committed
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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