4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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