I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
