So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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