I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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