i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
