yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
