i barfeds in our rink
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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