insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
