just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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