My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
