new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
