his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
